*I've recently enrolled in college to pursue an Interior Design Bachelor's Degree that I hope to combine with my Audio Engineering Certification for the purpose of better understanding Art, Creativity, Music, Aesthetics & Design; I would like to continue to write about & work with Music -and- also design Commercial & Residential Spaces & Studios.
My Background & so called Natural Inclinations include Music & Art as well as Hobbies that have already incorporated Interior Design, Staging & Gardening (among others), and the best way that I know how to phrase what plan to continue & further my career by becoming is an "'Acoustical' Designer" for my Clients.
It just would have been a lot more realistic & less of a dream at this point if I had not been pushed into beginning classes on the same day that all of my paperwork was submitted & approved -- something that I think would have been difficult enough for someone who does not have the physical complications & challenges that I possess.
...just sayin'.
...so I don't know if I will even be enrolled by this time tomorrow, and if I withdraw, IF I will be allowed to re-register. ...more red tape than I was made aware of at the time that I applied -- even to get assistance as a disabled person, which seems rediculous, considering I was already behind then expected to file more paperwork in addition to my past due & currently due assignments.
...but that's just me.
As someone who spends most of my time fighting on behalf of others, I am asking myself where MY advocates are at this (forgive me, designers & musicians) STAGE.
...and we're OFF!
(Yes. You are going to see a lot of horse & pony references in this AND my other "dog & pony SHOWS.") =)
"Leaving (September) Behind..."
Well, I should be doing homework, and in the past, I would at least have started out on a better foot when it comes to studious endeavors, but I am not as young nor am I as healthy as I was when I first began college in 1989 -- and I literally do not have a good leg to stand on anymore due to my injuries: the most recent being a freak fall/accident that resulted in a fractured leg last January that also complicated existing injuries in my back & has landed me in bed more times than I am happy to report.
The bottom line is that my old routine does not result in the successful completion of pretty much anything the way it used to, and that, quite frankly, pisses me off. ...especially when it affects the people & animals that I care about & for. To say that I carry the world on my shoulders is stating the situation very lightly (no pun intended).
Like a lot of people, I like to be active. I enjoy a good night on the couch in front of the TV like a lot of people, but my mind is always working, and my body wants to follow suit -- an inherited trait that is both a blessing & a curse. ...literally.
I do not like "negative" people who constantly complain (who does?) anymore than I enjoy being around pompous, chronic gossipers; therefore, I make a consented effort to steer away from others whenever I am aware that I am in a bitchy mood (I am more of a fact checker who passionately relays information. haha) -- knowing full well that it will have to be filtered out of me one way or another eventually. It is what it is, but I wouldn't change either my life nor who I am, though, anymore than I would trade them for anything else in this world -- nor the people that it has resulted in my meeting, but I am not going to deny myself the right to acknowledge the differences when illustrating points when they are ultimately just that: different. ...not better. ...not worse. ...just different -- depending upon one's relative point of view.
In some ways, my life is better now than it was back then -- aside from the obvious, pure joy that I experienced from being the mother of a growing child, and I want to make sure that I have stated that because like I say on my myspace page (http://www.myspace.com/starrlette66), I have many "sources of Love in my life." If things had gone in another direction, I would not have the capacity of compassion for others that I now have, and that is something that I TRULY value.
That being said...
I am not going to make this post a big research article, and if I mention some things that I just know, I am pretty positive at this point that they can be found somewhere on the internet, in a text book or in the minds of someone you know and that they are as close to truth & fact as I am capable, but feel free to pick apart what I say. You wouldn't be the first, you won't be the last, and I am the same way although I have learned to pick my battles (or "ponies" as I have become so fond of calling things metaphorically these days).
...not really sure what I want to say nor where this will go, but I just know that I want to write at this present moment, which does not make me proud nor even a skilled writer.
It does mean that I do have some things in common with my former self, which is my desire to prep myself to do anything, and since I do not have my daughter to read stories to at night before she goes to bed, which would allow me the freedom to study, I am somewhat lost.
When I did enroll in college the first time, I was a non-traditional student (or "adult" student as I understand we are called nowadays). I was a single mom who was not even divorced until a few months before my first semester, and then I had to battle my ex-husband time after time over, what I still believe, were unnecessary, petty & cruel attempts on his part to continue to abuse, control & isolate me from a distance, which he repeatedly succeeded at in many ways even if it did not stop me from ultimately falling in love (again), graduating with a Bachelor's degree in Accounting (NOT my first choice but not my last either) and later landing a job in the cellular industry, which was in both a dream & a nightmare come true.
In the four and a half years that I was in college, I learned more about myself & others than I have learned during any other time -- or at least as much -- and it was the perfect time & place to do so at the age that I was at that time. Looking back, I now see how young & naive I was even if I was five years older than many of the other students, and that also was both a negative & a positive because I was able to both blend in with the traditional students & also set myself apart -- both being welcomed at times but a nuisance when I had other agendas.
Before, during & after my collegiate years, I was caught between at least two worlds, as always has been the case.
That is where I find myself today -- again.
...and I am praying for guidance at this point because I have some decisions to make while feeling like they have already been made in reality even if not in my heart yet.
I started back to school a few weeks ago, but I am fearing that this was not the right decision, and with my 44th birthday approaching as well as the other things that haunt me this time of year, I am questioning just about everything -- as a woman, as a Libra & as a human being. ...who did not end up how I had planned if still where & thank God by WHEN anyway (I am very happy to be where I am for the record, but my past experience has taught me not to expect things to stay as good as they have been for as long like I would hope nor for me to be where I am for long, and that is probably why I find myself once again emotionally paralyzed by my present & already-known, upcoming circumstances).
I guess this is just a difficult time of year for me; it has become increasingly so over the past 10-15 years -- an annual season of mourning, if you will, that began occurring around the year of my father's passing, and the impending approach of the anniversary of the terrorist attacks against our country nine years ago have brought out a plethora of emotions in me since they happened, too.
I thought -- or rather hoped -- that it would get better with time, but it hasn't, and with the 10th anniversary being next year, I know that the next 12 months will be difficult -- not just for me but for all of us, and that weighs heavily in my soul more than just my own "problems." Thankfully, I am aware of this & that others who lose people do not ever fully recover either, and if I did not know that, I could have become a victim of my depression more than I already have -- as so many do.
Over the last few days, I was thinking that I should write a blog about the events that happened in my immediate surroundings as they paralleled that horrible day and the following weeks, months & years, but being a person who follows suit with society in many ways, I decided that I would write that particular blog next year to mark the decade like many others probably will, too.
That may be the only way that I can pay tribute, or continue to do so, since I do not have much money to celebrate those people's lives & commemorate that event in some way, so I am at least thankful to have the chance to write about it if I can pay no other public tribute.
One thing that I must mention as far as my own losses were concerned during that time was the miscarriage of my second child, and had this not happened just 3 weeks after the 9/11 attacks, I might have been able to better recover from the other deaths (which I say lightly & should probably say survive them instead), but I am a very spiritual person who senses everything around me anyway, and although I did not know that I was getting ready to lose someone that close to me as well, I now look back & realize that the reason why I was so affected by my native land's trauma was because I was literally, physically in tune with what my environment was trying to tell me.
...and this may sound comical at this point, but it's true, so I have to say it anyway: I'm "slow." There is no nice way to put that, and even though I can type faster than most people that I know (with the exception of my daughter), my mind cannot keep up with my fingers on a QWERTY keyboard.
That being said, though, I am only human, and I believe that we are not meant to know everything, so although there was a lot of information being thrown at me during that time, it must be said that translating its actual message(s) were a whole 'nother story.
I don't think that I should go into anymore detail about that year right now, but I'm sure that you get the idea, and I hope to get the other blog written by this time next year.
Maybe no one will find this post of interest, and that's OK, but I am writing it more for myself right now -- and for those that have a hard time coping with this time of year, too, because it is a reality that will not go away -- ever. As I said then (& have heard others say since through television), 9/11 was our generation's Pearl Harbor, and as someone who has grown up in a military family & was brought up by/around people who were alive when our soldiers were killed in that attack, I see the same look in our eyes as I see/saw in theirs. Like my elders, I now wish that would have never happened & that future generations will not have to feel that same pain, but I do not believe that will be the case, and that is a sadness that must be born for eternity.
If you are someone other than me who is reading this, I am sure you have been equally changed by 9/11 as well as other losses, and I just want you to know that you are not alone even if those events have made you feel even more so than ever -- like me.
My only comfort has been in knowing that others share my grief & horrific memories from that day -- as well as other emotional &/or physical pain -- and I appreciate yours as well as the compassion that I know that you feel for me as a result of mine.
Even if I do write something next year, I guess that I just had to write something now.
I have put my family & friends through hell since September & October 2001, but I know that they would have been changed regardless, and I was put here to bring all of those people who were/are connected to me together -- "the good, the bad & the ugly."
That's probably the hardest part about it all while being the most satisfying, too, but it's a difficult cross to bear to think that we all do hold some responsibility in provoking the kind of anger & hate in others that would inspire & motivate acts of violence -- something that I, for one, have never been able to understand -- even before I became a mother but probably because somewhere inside me I always knew that I would be.
Guided by animals & children, I do see the evolution of infancy to adulthood & the progressive differences that result from experiencing society's many challenges. I also am not one to "wish for world peace" in some ways because I celebrate cultural & religious differences -- as long as they do not hurt other people & plants or animals. ...but now that I am in my 40's & have formally been taught this, I know that there is no such thing & that there is ALWAYS a "Cost vs Benefit."
Studying history, I see why societies made sacrifices to their (interpretation of) God(s) in the hopes that somehow a portion of their efforts & people would survive, and even though The Bible teaches that we are not required to make offerings & perform rituals to achieve a higher spiritual "home" because Jesus Christ bore all of our sins on the cross, I tell casually tell people that I am a Pagan Christian (or maybe Pagan/Christian) because I do see my tendency to still try to "prove" that I acknowledge Jesus' sacrifice as well as my own worth, so I am not one to judge any culture nor religion for their practices -- again as long as they are not perverted, do not violate others' rights nor perpetuate violence against any one person or group. ...or at least initiate that last one anyway, and if I were a good "sheep" that thought that just passively allowing people to hurt & kill others until the point that an entire group is eliminated, forced to cease in existence &/or be completely forgotten (as has happened in the past) was the "right" thing to do in order for our race to continue to progress (regardless of whether or not this planet survives), I would do exactly as I was told to do -- therefore judging people from across the globe who resort to the same, desperate measures to be heard.
...but I can't either. ...nor can many of us, or we would not have so many jails & prisons filled with confused, obviously guilty people as well as the sometimes well-intended & often times innocent ones. ...and I won't even get started about all of the animals that are in shelters with so many being cruelly confined & more often than not euthanised, are neglected & abused and/or are forced to fight other animals BY HUMANS then ostracized & discriminated against because of the FEW that have been BRAINWASHED into being "vicious" by greedy people to the point that they are being recommended to be phased out.
Unless you are from a background of people who have been similarly treated, such as African or Native Americans, maybe you are not capable of empathizing with a life form that must endure that type of cruel, bullish treatment -- by those that are no different than you other than their outward appearance.
I think that we should focus less on population control & more on climate control. In my opinion, that would solve a lot of problems, and lot of problems would solve themselves without our "forcing" them -- or risking a REAL Armageddon as a result of our own prideful trial & error.
Pride WILL lead to humility, and one cannot exist without the other -- whether we want to acknowledge that they both exist or not.
OK. I've done all of the proofreading & editing that I am capable of doing, so please forgive any oversights. Thanks. :)
STAY TUNED.
To both of my children:
P.S. ...I love you (as ALWAYS).
